Something Weird

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 21:05:20 GMT

I feel like writing again.

Looking over my past entries, I was so immature and it really makes me feel weird when I read them. Oh well, the past is the past. I love going to college and my decision to do the NJSTARS program. It was the right choice for me to stay home at this point in my life. When I transfer in a year and a half, I will either end up at TCNJ, Rowan, or Kean. It all depends on what scholarships I get and if I want to go away. We'll see.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 16:38:03 GMT

My brother comes home from the hospital today. He has lost some weight, but he is going to be okay. It will just take sometime to regain his full strength again.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 23:48:10 GMT

They still don't know what is wrong with my brother. He has a raging fever up and down. Stomach issues and vomiting.
He has been there since Thursday. I am worried about him. I am going to visit him tomorrow.
Hospitals make me uncomfortable.

Mon, 14 May 2007 22:37:31 GMT

I am not feeling well. My head hurts and my ears are clogged........my throat feels like I swallowed a cactus.

Only good thing---my dad rented a bayhouse for memorial week. I get to miss school for an extra two days and bring my dog!!! Its really pretty....
ALSO.........................ITS TWO TOWNS AWAY FROM JANEEN'S HOUSE!!! WE GET TO VISIT EACH OTHER DURING MEMORIAL WEEKEND!!!!!

A long needed entry

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 01:06:16 GMT

My parents have been pissing me off incredibly these past few weeks. I know I am the last child and am fairly independent. I can take care of myself in the sense of obvious things...how I should behave, appearance, school. I bring home better than average grades, have a job, and NEVER ask them for money. I am responsible and compassionate. I rarely do anything wrong...at least nothing serious.

It's just that I feel like they don't care about minimal things...like getting an A on a paper or getting in National Honors Society. They have been through it all and its nothing new to them...but I am a separate being from my brothers and sister. I need the same amount of attention they received...like it was new and refreshing. Not like, "Rachel we expect nothing less from you, so we only say something if we see less than that." It really bothers me. I love my family, a whole damn lot. More than anything. I just kind of feel like they leave me in the dust sometimes, expect me to care for myself alone a little too much. It gets kind of lonely.

My brother is self-sufficient. Lives on his own. My other brother is about to graduate college and my sister is doing her own thing in college. Where does that leave me? Being the youngest of four sometimes is hard. Everything is like..."being the middle child is hard"....so is being the youngest...with overachieving siblings..

Is there something about me not worth noticing? Do I fade into the background that easily?
I know I am special and worth it. I know my parents think that....I just wish they would show it more...that's all.

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 21:02:46 GMT

Sleeping over Mel's on Tuesday and staying up until 6:30 AM was not the smartest idea in the world. I have been paying for it these past two days. :-(.
Super tired, but of course I have to always work and babysit.

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 22:34:18 GMT

I feel kind of bad saying this.....but I have noticed lately, that there a lot of people who gross/creep me out.
It sends shivers down my spine.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 01:28:11 GMT

Honestly, what does a person have to do to maintain their street cred?

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 23:19:27 GMT

Alright, so I am in love with Dashboard. New single "Stolen".....the radio version is utterly terrible. The album edit is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muchhhhhhhh better. I honestly think that faster version is going to ruin their street cred.

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 01:37:08 GMT

Okay, at work today....another dude personally tipped!!!! CREEEPPYYYY!!!!
"Here darling, this is especially for you!"
...............but its more money....

I am reading so much lately. I am so glad I am literate and intelligent....so I can read good books.
I want to own a book store..

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 02:19:10 GMT

You really irk me. Really annoying.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 22:13:13 GMT

I AM NOW A LICENSED DRIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 00:41:33 GMT

Hate.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 20:46:34 GMT

Never in my life have I met a group of boys that gossip more than girls.

Coldplay kind of Mood

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:18:16 GMT

It is always at a time of night like this and after a group thing that I feel sad. Its fucking weird. I have the best group of friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in. I hate this. I seriously had fun. Then I come home and feel so low. I wish I didn't feel like this, didn't even know the word jealousy. Wish I could act normal and not make faces at people I love. I do love you all. Don't think that once in a moment I don't feel so lucky to have people like you to care for me.

I also miss my grandmother. I just feel so overwhelmed when I remember something and it just gets so hard not to cry. It has been 5 months, but it sometimes feels like she died yesterday. I really loved her. I miss her phone calls the most. You could just hear the sincerity in her voice. I think she is one of the few people I know who was truly a good person. nothing she did was for herself.

She also supported my random hair colors...telling me it was beautiful...even when the red cool-aid looked like fucking shit. Death sucks.
My heart feels so messed up. I take this sadness and anger out on the wrong people. I am sorry.

Thank God for Coldplay and Oasis for creating beautiful music for me to cry too.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 21:49:58 GMT

I am about to leave for work.
I am in such a good mood. Janeen's later and hanging out with my friends!
Work kind of sucks, but at least it is money.
Love<3333

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:31:09 GMT

I got so sick this morning. I slept all afternoon. Whatever the fuck I have, I wish it would go away. I hate being sick and angry. I am so tired. I feel gross. I don't even feel like returning phone calls....which is so not like me.

I hate this...a whole lot.

Umm, can you say "sucky day"?

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 03:14:07 GMT

I had a bad day after having a good morning with Michele. I had fun last night working and seeing Hannibal. Today was Janeen's birthday dinner, and I wish I could say I had an amazing time and everything. I hope she had a good birthday, but I feel like absolute shit. Some many things are bothering me at the moment. I love my friends, they are what makes that bad things bearable. I feel sick and upset. ...Its makes me feel sad.

I also miss my grandmother....simple as that. I just miss you.

I wish I'd see a field below 
i wish I'd hear a rooster crow 
But there are none who live downtown 
And so the day starts out so slow 
Again the sun was never called 
And darkness spreads over the snow 
Like ancient bruises 
I'm awake and feel the ache 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
I wish I'd see a field below 

I wish I'd see your face below 
I wish I'd hear you whispering low 
But you don't live downtown no more 
And everything must come and go

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 01:29:29 GMT

"I suggest we learn to love
ourselves before its made illegal
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to see it all come down
Those left standing will make millions
writing books on the way it should have been"
<3

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 17:16:48 GMT

the snow kind of makes me sad.
nice weather for valentine's day-haha.
I got coffee from dunkin donuts today....i think i have a problem.
it just tastes so good.

I might call michele later and have a convo entirely in emo lyrics....that is always fun.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:55:39 GMT

I finished the english homework and took a lot of notes. I am going to do all of the Rough Draft tomorrow and thursday. I really want to read this book called Falling in Love with Natassia. It is amazing. I am a hundred pages or so in. Its a book I am taking my time with because it is so heavy and depressing, yet uplifting in a sense. The material is very serious. Just like my life has been lately.

I still need to do my Holocaust and Genocide homework. I like that class a lot, but it makes me want to cry everytime we learn a new horrible story about what the Jewish people went through. It is such a horrible thing, I cannot believe it actually happened. But that is the whole point of the class, to learn about what caused it and prevent it from happening if possible.

My hair is starting to feel normal again-thank God. My brother is getting me a laptop. He moved out this past weekend. I miss him a lot. But I am glad for the room. He is getting so old. He has a job and career and I am still in highschool. We are still close though, which I treasure.

I am addicted to youtubing music videos<3

Monday

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 21:14:49 GMT

Oh my God. I have so much homework. It really sucks. Health kind of sucks too. I hate having homework in that class. I am getting so stressed out lately. And my hair feels funny ever since I had it done for semi. Its stiff and knotty. I have washed it and conditioned it, but its still wacked out. :-(.
I am also cold. I walked home today, alone. Swim team is almost over, so Michele will be able to start walking home again. I miss walking home with her. Walking home alone is kind of saddening. My headphone broke AGAIN, so I was without music.
Not that great of a day, expect some choice moments. I just hate that things have to be awkward. Why does it always have to be that way? No one has the guts to change things or say something.
I am in love with Pepper.
<3Tradewinds<333333

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 03:04:02 GMT

Listening to Coldplay.
In that kind of mood.
<3

Semi

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 00:18:19 GMT

Semi was last night. A million people came to my house for pictures. Way more than I expected! I forgot that parents would come, so I guestimate that there were like 30-35 people crammed into my living room. The actual dance was a lot of fun. Dancing with Justin=mad fun<3
I had fun with everyone. Good memories.

Interesting Stuff...

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 00:07:12 GMT

Today, I listened to Gym Class Heroes, "Cupid's Chokehold". I really like it. The beat and music is really catchy. The lyrics are kind of interesting. Not all about bitches n' hoes, like some of the music out there. Definitely looking into purchasing their album.

I read Cupcake today, the sequel to Gingerbread and Shrimp. It was kind of boring in the beginning, but reading it until the end was way worth it. Rachel Cohn is a great author. The end was amazing, not necessarily the generic happy ending for teen novels these days.

There is a ton of movies I want to see. Hannibal Rising looks really good, any takers?